I've held tight to the story, 'When I let go, someone or something gets hurt'. That story was my way of collecting the evidence that I needed to keep control. That I was needed. If i didn't have tabs on everyone and everything, life as we knew it, would fall apart. That certainly made me feel that I was needed. I never really thought about the enormous amount of pressure that put me under or in. Oddly enough, I also have lived with the thought - 'I don't do well under pressure' - interesting, to say the least.
To hear people say, 'Let it GO!' was infuriating, I hadn't a clue what it meant. To me, I thought it meant to give up, to lose, to feel loss and ultimately fail due to being weak. So I spent most of my life griping tightly to what I knew to be true through my own experiences. I griped tightly to definitions, rules and beliefs that weren't even mine, but that I learned to believe.
Have you ever heard the expression "Let go, or be dragged?' I read it somewhere, and remember thinking deeply about that. To add feeling to my contemplations, I had the opportunity to witness a woman, gripping tightly to a large horse's lead that became excited to get to his food. I watched (in horror) as she was dragged several yards until she released her grip on the rope. Boy did that hit home! What was she thinking? Why didn't she just let go? And then I realized, she was me. Except the rope I held was on life itself, and I was getting dragged, bumped, slammed and broken. Why won't I let GO? So afraid to fail, to lose ~ to feel guilty, ashamed or a deep loss we call grief.
I never put 2 and 2 together until recently. I learned that if I let go, I'd feel like a failure. I learned, if iI let go , I wasn't valuable, I learned if I let go, I was weak. I learned if I let go, someone or something would get hurt and (another layer to that was), it was all my fault - I was to blame! I began to feel compassion for that woman - realizing if she let go, and that horse hurt someone, it was her fault, and that was a verdict of guilt she spent her life time avoiding by holding on, or thinking she was in control. That she'd rather take the beating, then have it lash out to anyone else. She was me. If anyone in my life got hurt, physically, emotionally or mentally it was my fault. This belief kept me in a vicious cycle of doing my very best to hold on to a raging dragon that I was never meant to hold in the 1st place, yet, somehow this was the message I was taught, along with so many other people.
We don't actually have that kind of control, we are NOT God, we are simply instruments of a Higher Will. So to keep us thinking we do have that kind of control, keeps us playing small and living in a fear.
One of my first experiences of letting go and having something wonderful happen, was when it was time to resign from my 5th grade public school teaching position. It took an entire year of being dragged, knocked down, and bludgeoned to finally resign or let go. That year, something would drag me and knock me down, I wouldn't think about it, I'd just get right back up. As the year progressed - my job felt like a ballon and I held then string. I'd get knocked down, I'd lose my grip on the string and scramble to get up to grab it. Eventually, I got to the point where I watched it float away, tears streaming down my face and asking "What do You want from me? It's gone, are You happy?' (sarcasm was how i used to communicate with Spirit, or the Divine or the Universe - however you choose to name it - something Higher and Wiser than myself) I surrendered - or let go.
As I am now aware, the Universe is always communicating with us. So the answers to my questions came quickly. This time, because I finally let my grip go, I was able to sense the answers the Universe was giving me. I wasn't aware I was listening at the time, or that i was letting go, i just felt that something had shifted and the result of resigning didn't stop the world from turning, no-one got hurt, and I suddenly had reprieve (that I call nothing less than mercy now) so I was (and still am) amazed.
As I look back, it still amazes me that I held on for as long as I did considering how banged up I was. As i look back, i am only now beginning to recognize my own strength.
Eight years later, I continue to contemplate, consciously letting go. Then I let go because i felt like i didn't have a choice. Now, I am acutely aware that it is a choice. And fear says, 'now you know what you're doing, if something bad happens, you now know it is your fault.' and I say back, 'I don't have that kind of control -thank GOD!'
And, I can only say that courageously, when I am aware that in making a choice - I asked for God, or the Universe or Spirit to take the reins. I literally say, this is the choice I feel like I'm supposed to be making, but I really don't know because I can see how it can 'go wrong' too - so- if this is the choice that You want me to make, that will serve You, than allow all involved to be safe and protected, however, if this is a self-serving choice, catch me please. And then. . . . . I listen and watch and feel for the answers to come, for the directions to be given, for the path to open up.
Letting go isn't weak, it takes an inner strength of faith and trust that most are unaware we can tap into. Letting go is success, giving up is failure. Letting go feels frightening when we don't know what's going happen. That fear creates an uncomfortable sensation that our mind would like to make comfortable. It develops a story to explain the sensation, in essence, grasping for control. That grasping for control, the tight grip of the story, restricts the flow of an infinite supply of miraculous solutions.
Learning to let go is a spiritual muscle that needs a daily workout. Where or what, in this moment in time, can you let go of knowing, doing or answering? You got this - Let Go!
I looked at the clock at 11:11 am this morning and thought 'make a wish'! So I began searching for the perfect wish, the perfect words to articulate clearly that wish. I began in a spiritual way - I wish to be in the infinite flow of Love - that says it all right, but then I felt it needed to be more specific. The more I grappled, the less spiritual I felt, the more I judged myself for sinking, the more emotions rose. Emotions of heat, annoyance, regret & agitation. I braced myself, and allowed the wave to crash, swears started spewing, my gate changed and I shifted into the part of me that I wish I didn't have.
I wish..... I wish didn't have emotions......I wish
It's such a powerful moment, when the truth of what we feel comes out in a way that we hear it.
I heard this loud and clear.
I wish I didn't have emotions. What an odd wish to make. What an emotional wish to make. A thought thread, buried deep in my psyche, rose today, to be healed. No other day earlier than today to be revelaed, for so many reasons, but here it is.
I began to realize, this blog was waiting for me, saved in the archives, unfinished. Remembering the title, stopped me in my tracks - I was searching for a shortcut around my journey! Eff the Journey, just get me there - I want to know, I want to feel safe, I want to be validated - Just PLEEEEEase let this ride end, let me get off this roller coaster - it's too much, it's making me sick!
Oh My! another powerful moment, another thought thread arose and was heard - "It's making sick"
What's actually making me sick? the ride? What ride, the ride of life? of Energy in motion?
Isn't that the definition of emotion?
So, are the emotions making me sick? No, but holding on to them, bracing myself against them, blocking them, containing them, rejecting them, cursing them, hating them, wishing they didn't exist ~ does make us all sick. Especially, wishing they didn't exist. You see, that's a wish that goes through the wish maker 1st. Wishing anything to not exist, speaks volumes because what we're really wishing for, is that we don't exist. Wishing I didn't have emotions sent a shock through me, straight into my heart. Having come back from a 'dis'ease' that cuts off sensation, cuts off feelings only to realize that I still wish I didn't have them hit home. So, instead of burying this, or banishing it back to where it was hiding - I greeted this awareness with curiosity - wondering how can I help someone today who may also have this same wish without realizing it - Because, you see, if energy stops its motion, we experience a loss, or death. Having this wish, is a death wish. So, when I asked myself whats actually making me sick - it's not the ride itself, but the wish to get off the ride. I also realized, it's not just me that feels this way, many many people feel this way too. I am not alone in these thoughts ~ snapping me back to my intention, who can I help, how can I be of service today?
Others are on this ride of life too and some seem to be making the most of it and enjoying it! They seem to have embraced the twists and unexpected drops, flying backwards in the dark and abrupt stops. Their smile and joyful shrieks express it perfectly. They have embraced their journey, being in the present moment and accepting the unexpected.
I, on the other hand, have lost so much & experienced grief often and brutally that I shut down. If all I feel is grief, why feel? - It makes me lash out in anger so people don't realize how much my heart hurts, interestingly enough, causing more loss and layers of grief to sift through. And yet, they say, to enjoy the warmth of summer, you must first experience the cold of winter,
So, when I say 'eff the journey' I really mean - eff the emotions I wish I didn't have - just get me through the sadness, with out feeling it, get me through it so I can feel the joy. Why can't it work like that? Why do I have to feel each step of the way? I want it NOW! I want to know what the problem is and get through it, unemotionally. I want to get this over & done with & move on already! I can't tell you how many times I have sat in meditation and just thought COME ON ALREADY! come on come on come on! I want to know and feel and have my cake and eat it too - F*** the journey - get me there!
And yet, the 'there' IS being right here. The journey is just to get us to 'HERE & NOW', whether we like it or not. It's accepting the moment in time as it's been designed so that we can FEEL it. So that we don't need to wish, because we already have exactly what we need IN this moment. All we really have is this moment. In this present moment we get to see the blooming of our past thought seeds, accept them for just that, a past thought, and then plant a new seed for the future. But, here, in this moment, lies the journey, the emotions. Skipping over them (being in such a rush to get 'there') we skip the most important step, being present enough to consciously plant seeds that we intended to do while we're HERE ( and now) -
Wishing away emotions is like getting into a car without a driver. Wether we like it or not, our emotions create our the world we infuse our self into. They'll take us on a ride, but only to get our attention back on our intention, again, wether we like it or not. I need now, to apologize to my emotions for wishing they didn't exist. Most importantly, though, I FEEL grateful for them, and honor their 'spiritualness' , that's how I know I've been allowed forgiveness, then and only then, will there be room for the next step of my journey reveal itself.
I FEEL so very grateful, I was able to feel so agitated, confused and hurt today when I was asked to make a wish. I am so very grateful that those emotions were allowed to express themselves in a constructive way that didn't shut me down, but opened my heart wider.
I FEEL another blog rising about intention! I'll add that to the queue.
Embrace the ride, you're not actually going anywhere, but here!